SCRIPTURE | 1 Peter 3:7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
OBSERVATION | In our last study (“Husbands be Subject”) we reviewed how the husband’s duty to their wives is “in the same way” as the wive’s to the husbands. He subjects himself for her, though not to her. Now we will study the opening command here from the Lord and Master to all husbands. “Live with your wives in an understanding way.” This command to “live… in an understanding way” is a unique mandate given nowhere else in Holy Scripture. If a husband is to obey this divine obligation, he must first understand what it means to understand.
The “understanding” in our verse is the English translation of the Greek word gnōsis, which is often translated “knowing” and “knowledge.” The word gnōsis is written in Luke 16:15 when Jesus said, “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts.” Gnōsis is also used to describe the state of those who see the attributes of God through creation, yet “even though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish heart was darkened.” (Rom 1:21) So, as we see from references in the New Testament, the word gnōsis, or ‘understanding,’ in today’s verse reveals an intelligent comprehension of something.
In the Old Testament gnōsis is at times used of the greatest intimacy of the relationship of marriage. Adam “knew his wife Eve and she conceived” (Gen 4:1). “Cain knew his wife and she conceived” (Gen 4:17; also Gen 4:25; 1 Sam 1:19). We can see this intimate side of gnōsis even in the New Testament as Jesus describes the intimate saving relationship of those who belong to Him. We see that intimacy in Matthew 7:23 when Jesus says many who call him “Lord” will hear Him say “I never knew you; depart from me, you who practice lawlessness.” How do we understand this wide range of use of gnōsis then? In regards to Matthew 7, let us look to the rule of faith and let scripture interpret scripture. For the Holy Word also reveals how Jesus has more than an intelligent comprehension or knowledge of all things (John 18:4), including even the hearts of people (John 2:24-25). So, we see that in Matthew 7, as well as in our Old Testament references, gnōsis can communicate more than simple knowledge but an intimate relational knowledge. What decides the difference between basic comprehension and intimate relation? A key rule of biblical study, understanding the word in context.
In other words, the gnōsis or “understanding” a husband is to have of his wife could be simple intellectual comprehension. However, since the husband will already have this of his wife, and since the most intimate relationship a human can have with a human is the context, we know it is not simple “understanding,” but deep, thorough, concerned, comprehension of the complexity of his wife that is in view. In other words, a husband’s obliviousness to the character, passions, emotions, and tendencies of his wife is a violation of this command of “understanding.” Husbands are not allowed by the divine ruler of heaven and earth to be ignorant of all the pieces that makeup who their wife is.
Isn’t it sadly too common that most spouses are best at only knowing the flaws of character in their spouse? At dwelling on the annoyances in behavior and their mistakes? Here, even knowing the dark side of his wife is in view of this command, for if the knowledge is intimate a husband must know both his wife’s strengths and weaknesses. He must study both her fears and hopes. He must learn what gives her joy and what steals her joy away. What sins she struggles with, and those she has gained victory in.
How does a husband come to “know” his wife in this way? Through selfless devotion and study. How else can he be “concerned about… how he may please his wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:32–35) The only way to know how to please someone, which implies knowing and avoiding what displeases someone, is to know them deeply and thoroughly, not simply. In other words, a husband ought to be like a scholarly student in the most difficult university the world offers. His “concern” is to ingrain himself in the study of what makes his wife tick so well that like the greatest scholars on a given subject, he could write a comprehensive book on who his wife is. That is to say, gnōsis, or “understanding,” means the husband is to have a life pursuit to be the expert in all things regarding the woman who God has blessed him to become one with.
As an aside from the study of this study of a husband, we can see how the sinful tendency of man is to go the opposite way of the way of God. Which is to say, by nature a husband will NOT devote himself to thoroughly know his wife. The man who goes with the flow of life and does not put to death the flesh in a repentant and obedient life to the Lord, by grace through faith, and to the glory of God… such a man will be selfish and actually live contrary to these commands. This is one of the core problems in most marriage. Each spouse expects the other spouse to do what they ought, and each one only see’s the need of the other to change for the other one. It is only in the power of God’s Word and Spirit that a marriage can find God’s good way, where they will find rest for their souls. Obedience does not come through passivity.
Furthermore, a husband actually fails in his duty to God when he simply studies and devotes himself to knowing his wife intimately, but does nothing with this wealth of knowledge. Our second lesson from the King of all marriages, is how husbands have been commanded to “live with your wives in an understanding way.” Here now “live” could even be translated “to conduct oneself with” and here it is penned by Peter as it is breathed out by God, in the form of a present active participle.
The present tense means this command is a continuous and ongoing way of living for husbands. It is not a fleeting and momentary thing to do when the marriage is not going well. It is not just the duty of a husband when he seeks intimacy. It is a daily subjection to selflessly apply the thorough knowledge of his wife and take care of her according to the ways she is wired. “Live with” then commands not just understanding in dwelling together as in to put up with. To “live with” is the applying of that knowledge in all the conduct of the husband according to his wise and intimate knowledge of her, continuously and actively.
This is a tall order for the husband. This duty to his wife requires a man to devote himself day by day with real intentionality. This is a piece of what it means for a husband to subject himself FOR his wife, though not TO his wife. To know her needs, her fears and her ways of thinking. This means living according to the knowledge he has studiously gained of his wife. Not that the husband submits to her authority, but that he does not live for himself (Eph 5:25–33), but lives to care for and attend to life in a way that reveals his concern for his wife in the application of his knowledge of her.
APPLICATION | If you are a husband, ask yourself: Do I simply “know” my wife? Or do I intimately know my wife? Could I write a book about her? How long would it be? How accurate would it be? Would it only contain her faults and failures? Would it reveal the woman she hopes to be for God’s glory?
Contrary to our world’s teaching, men are much different than women. Equals in justification, yet they have different duties and roles in sanctification. “Understanding” will take effort. So, consider how committed you are to be obedient in this area of the faith. Daily devote yourself to the disciple of this study. Grow to know your wife more and more, deeper and deeper. And live accordingly. For God’s glory alone.
If you are a woman, like the man who should never demand submission, neither should you ever demand this duty of your husband. If you are married, devote yourself to pray for your husband to obey God in his duty to live selflessly to you. If you are single pray for the marriages around you, for the men around you to be examples of Christ in this way.
PRAYER | Pray with me: Father, you deserve all the praise that I could give, because you have not only intimately known me, but in Your grace have worked out all things for my good (Rom 8;28), according to Your glory. You are worthy of all that I am, because You knew and chose me before the foundation of the world (Eph 1:4) so thoroughly that all my days were already written in a book (Psalm 139:16). Your greatness was revealed in the fact that though You knew the record of my sins, You sent your son to carry them to the cross and cancel them out in His sacrifice (Col 2:13). You could have held my sins against me, but You chose not to, proving Your love and Your great grace.
I confess that I have not shown the same character in my marriage. I have not come to know my wife as I ought to know her, according to the command of Your Holy Word. I confess that I have not only failed to study the bride You have given me, but even worse I have not “lived in an understanding way.” Where I have known the wife, You have blessed me to have, I have failed to apply that knowledge and show the same great love and grace You have shown me.
Thank you that you have not treated me as I deserve. Thank you are working in me the same love toward my wife. Thank you that You are still working in me, conforming me to Your image, even in my marriage, for Your glory and my good.
Now Lord, make me more serious and intentional in living with my wife in an understanding way. Increase my devotion and comprehension in the study of her. Through the power of Your effective Word and Spirit make me obedient to apply the knowledge of who my wife is to the way I live, continually and actively. Make me to put to death my flesh, especially my selfishness and stupidity in the things of my wife. To kill the lazy tendency to not seek to live this way, for my wife’s good, but even more for Your glory, and Your glory alone. Amen.
